There is something that you can’t buy

I have a doubt now, here in my heart. Time that ticking so fast has brought my age more than 43 since last couple months. And I… I just don’t know what I actually looking for in my life. I keep single and no commitment. And everybody… one by one starting left me. They built their own family.

Take 2 days off from my success business that has given me lots of money, I invited a woman that I dated a weeks ago to visit this country. Picked her up with my jaguar, brought her flower, gave her nice present, it was enough to make her in love with me. And I start tired with this style. Will they still love me just like what they always said if I don’t have any of this shit?.. Well, I’m not quite sure.

Enjoy late of afternoon alone with my cigar because I sent that woman to enjoy spa in that luxury resort, suddenly I think about marriage, the shit thing that I never believe since long time. Then stupid thinking comes up, how I could manage marriage if even I don’t know how to commit to someone. I couldn’t even commit to a woman more than 3 months and I always had affair in every relationship that I had.

And… suddenly I remember her, a small girl that I used to date several months ago. She broke me up in last 2 months. Yeah she chose the right decision to leave me. And I know that she was the only woman that I ever date and never think about my money. She gave me love but I just didn’t understand why it was not enough and I still tried to search a pleasure from somebody else. This is like disease and I don’t know when I could be free from that.2 weeks ago I tried to call her again and asked her out for dinner. And when I met her I realized that this type of woman that I could spend rest of my life with. Pretty, smart, nice job and lovely… gosh I really don’t understand my self what else actually I want.
“I miss you, I really do. I thought about us many times and I realize probably you are my one”. That’s honest words from inside of my heart. She just gave me smile.
“I believe that you miss me sometime. But dear, I believe that you’ll never change. Because you still don’t know what actually you want in this life. And when another pretty woman comes and you’ll be so easy to forget me. Please just don’t put me in the shit condition again”.
"I know I’m difficult” and that’s all what I can say. I so respect her.
“I love you and I’m so crazy because I miss you badly sometimes but I don’t think I want you anymore. You know I care about you, so please baby…. learn how to commit to someone if you don’t want end up 60 and alone. I wish you luck. Good bye sweetheart.”
And she left me. Never ever in my life a woman did something like that to me. And I did nothing except kept silent on my table and thought about what she said.

This cigar now is almost finished and still silent ness fills the time. Yeah my life so far was money woman money and woman. And now when I want it, a true life and no one truly want me... they just want my money…

("oh Sweetheart, life is up and down... there is a time when everything that you have will be gone and if that happen i wish there is someone that will hold your hand and keep beside you to pass the difficult time... good luck on your way!")

(IeRn)

Confuse

When i look to that eyes
Everything feels alright
When little touch grabs my body
I have no worry
But when that words came
Something about a feeling
And my confuse coming
Old shadow still hanging
Its big kingdom imagining
And that eyes isn't alright anymore
And the touch is just meaningless pleasure
Oh old shadow...please give me your one last word
Don't keep to be a bastard
And bring all this doubt
Enough to give me trouble
Becouse i just want to be normal

(IeRn)

Part of Chapter 5 from untitle Long story that i working on

She tried to write again now, not as a professional but she did it for her self. She was an introvert person so with writing she could tell what she felt to that blank Microsoft Word. She didn’t need the response she just needed to be listened.
“My name is Christi, 28 years old woman. Lonely and single….” She didn’t know where to start it. She deleted all the sentences and white blank Microsoft Word appeared again.

“The sun already disappeared since last 2 hours. The city light now makes the night shining. One...two...three... and more other building seems so perfectly. Sit down here alone accompany by James Blunt music slowly, I watch some cars on the road down stair that never stop. The blinking small light from those cars are just like plankton in the night sea. And this big nice arranged room, it’s just so nice but I don’t know why it feels empty… And my thinking is just flying…made those cars plankton disappearing.

I open my eyes and big nice arranged room shown. Cars plankton in down there appears again. And this room still feels empty. There isn’t big nose that I used to play with. There isn’t deep voice that sometimes heard so nice in my ear. There isn’t strong body to pick me up to the bed. There isn’t naughty finger to make me laugh in the morning when I wake up. There isn’t big hand that holds me from the back during my sleep. There isn’t…. I close my eyes now; try to search a face to kill this miss feeling.

Again I open my eyes back to my reality. Cars plankton is still blinking down there, just now less then before. That transparent curtain move slowly, I don’t know is it because of raining in outside. Hmmmm… I miss those sensitive ears that sometimes can’t make me sleep during the rain seasons. I miss those hands that force to wash my hair even when it doesn’t know how to do it. I miss that move when you lead me in my exercise night. I miss the laugh that we had after that. I miss your don’t care face when you are not in your mood. I miss your fancy style that sometimes made me look so ordinary beside you. I miss how the way you smoke your cigar or I call it big boss style. I miss many things and I miss you. Just let say that love sometimes can find it own way to make us feel happy. And when this miss feeling comes up I just close my eyes is like what I do now and search a face, a face of you, the last face that keep stay in my memory when all faces suddenly gone“.

She stopped there. “He was right, I’m a drama queen”.

(IeRn, ==> still 50 pages... )

No Second Chance

When I see the past
Bad memories I got
When I heard your apologize
Your lied again I face

How many bullshit words were said
How many fake acts were demonstrated
To erase this sympathy
Left it in empty

If you still have that respect
Just please never come back
Let it evaporate
Like before when the shadow still zero

(IeRn)

My Immortal

This face now looked like shit
This body just similar with garbage
Time that ticking this fast
Has changed all

It is too late when I realize
My undersized life
One by one starting left me
Everything now feels empty

And I look at her
A woman that I adore
Although now only the picture
That I miss so brutal
To accompany my immortal

(IeRn)

Karma

Yellow has been gone
Walking home, empty I found
Called her, only tone rang on
Throw this big body
I feel worry

Now dark is coming
Sit down here with nothing
Thinking about them
Lots beauty around
But only one now that I want
And she’s gone

(IeRn)

You are not alone

Do you remember 2 years ago when we felt so safe, so free, so independent, so many dreams... when we could sing any song, when we could talk about many things... when we could stay all night just in silent… when we could hang around, did everything that we wanna do and no need to explain why is that… when we could have our own time to imagine our own future without someone need to disturb it… when we didn't need to think about lonely ness, about those fucked up things...

Do you remember 2 years ago, the high way with high speed, no house around us, no building around us... just the sun and those big sand... accompanied my messed voice sang that ncie song… accompanied you controlling our car…

Do you remember 2 years ago, my scream was so loud when that roller coaster brought me to the top and made me cry and I promised to my self will never do those stupid things anymore… or when the Mickey Mouse train made me laugh out loud...

Do you remember 2 years ago when we watched that incredible jimmy something concert, no one his song that we knew but we just sang ya ya ya… so insane… then we sat down in outside till morning came… silent ness around us because both of us too lazy to talk… just enjoyed the nice shape of twin towers in front of us…

Do you remember 2 years ago when we met up in that airport… you run to me and I run to you… when that clock suddenly stopped waiting for us… when rain suddenly came to wash our face… when sun appeared later to cheer us up…

Now... will you remember that we are so lucky… even though both of us far away, we still have nice memories that will make us smile when we remember it… don’t be sad my friend because you are not alone.

(IeRn, Inspired by Michael Buble – Lost)

Hard Month (Mixed Grammar)

This week will still there is work in the night; it’s just like another past weeks. Work all night, headache, call 1 people to another people to make coordination and don’t sleep at all. Yeahh... that is the risk to work with machine, wait people sleep so your machine will be empty from the traffic and you start your work.

This week I don’t know, will I getting sick again is just like the last week. Stayed on bed, had fever, felt bitter in my tongue, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Ahhh… so sad, even someone that I care about is just never care about me although I had that sickness.

This weekend will be alone again; it’s just like another past weekends. There is no date, there is no boyfriend. He is disappearing, I have no idea where is he going… what is he doing… why is he disappearing… from me. The only reason, he found a woman that can give him what he always called a good life including a good c*m. what the f**k.

Yesterday, I tried to call him, someone that I save his number with “my baby”. No one pickup my phone, it was just like the other past days. And he never called me back same with those last couple days.

Yesterday, I tried to say hi over YM to this id, the only one id that I put it in “babe” group. I got the answer “busy, talk to you later”, it was just like usually. And the fact is he never talks to me later.

So I’m tired… I’m tired to always think about him, to always care, to always be lovely, to always loyal while he never even try to do the same thing to me. I think that isn’t a thing that we can call as relationship. So maybe I’ll just silent, no need to think, no need to always care, no need too lovely, no need to sit down in the home just to prove I’m a loyal person. I’ll be a passive one.

This Saturday I had my afternoon tea. It was just like the past weekends ordinary activities. Sat down in the corner of this coffee shop, I had my laptop, I had my book, I had my mobile phone but I didn’t know why I felt so lonely. I reached my mobile phone and called the only person that maybe could give me smile. She picked up the phone… “Mom” I said. “Hey, are you alright sweetie? Why your voice heard ugly?” nah I smiled already. Another question come “How’s your boy friend? Why you alone in the weekend? Don’t you go out with him?…..” and another bla bla bla hehe. I said “he is fine, just bit busy. But it’s good so I can have lots of time to talk with you”. And there I was, talked to my mom about world, about man, about cook, about work, about the price of BBM, until about demonstration. Ohhh goodness mom, you are the only one….
Then I opened my laptop, opened some Japan cities pictures. Ahh... Japan, when I can face you. When I feel so sad like now, I really want to see you. See the Sakura, see the Fuji, see your temple, see your culture, see your people. But just seems like work still so crazy and I can’t leave the office now days. Just wait for me I’ll say hi to you next time.

Today is Sunday… with my small bag; I’m going to the airport. Leave this city to another city in the east for only 1 day. One of my good friends is getting married. Ohh God, Sometimes we just never realize that time is ticking. I still remember my last birthday; I went to Hongkong because I just didn’t want to celebrate it. And now it’s already half way to face my birthday again and face that my age will count again. Yeahh… time, what can I say. Sometimes it makes us grow up and grow up. And it is always be a witness in each single thing happens to us.
Travelling in one day, then I’ll face this city again. Face this shit feeling again. Face this next hard week again. And still can’t face your face again. Hmm.. my hard month is still on going.

(iErN)

Imagine (New Re-arrange)

Maybe I’m not this miss universe
Or those actress
That have big breasts or nice hips

Maybe I’m not the sun
That always shines through day and night
But for sure I’ll be there when you need a light

Maybe I’m not the fire like what you’ve been dream to
But I can be your water to safe you

Maybe I can’t be a person to know all about you
But I’ll be the one to understand your doubt
The one to pick you up when you feel drop
With this love…

(IeRn)

What’s life of mine? (Mixed Grammar)

Silly… Everyday I saw the same road, the same building, same taxi, and same work. Every time I heard the same story… story of mine about broken heart… story of people about marriage or birth. Every week I watched movie in the same cinema, all were about love… all about crying… but most of them end up happy.

Silly… Every time I met people, they always remembered my name but sometimes I just didn’t… In some average time I met man, most of them said I’m pretty… I’m lovely… I’m smart… I’m wonderful… but just that and they disappeared one by one. Dating for me was just like the wind, passed through even when it maybe didn’t start yet. In some seldom time I met really interesting man, but most of them have girl friend, wife, or too many girl friends. Once I met a man, too lovely, too patient, too perfect but just he is too old. So… this is pretty woman love life like what they said.

Silly… I laughed in front of them till one of them ever asks “did you ever cry?” I walked around and traveled till they said “you are so lucky to have all of this”. But I stand up in front of this mirror, tears in my cheek. I hide my self under my bedcover and those tears just drop like hell. I sat down with iPod in my ear, slow music played and one by one tear dropped from my eyes. So I walked around, see what world have so I could forget this tears that always want to be dropped.

Silly… I learned in the top school, everybody said I’m the best. They even put my education history in newspaper when I got best score in that province. But today I feel know nothing… lots people out there much much better than me. Now I realize that my score just only because of book that I read everyday frequently. I don’t have intelligent was like what they said about being the best.

Silly… I’m a talker but too introvert about my own personal life. I can’t tell story to someone even somebody that I knew since 10 years and people called her my best friend. Some other time when she didn’t understand, she always mad at me because I told her nothing about my life. So… no many friends of mine that maybe truly understand who I am. In some time, I met several friends… friends to hang around. Some of them are travelers; some of them are bitches and clubbers. That’s time was in the first time I knew how night club life is. Where woman could kiss every man she met, then maybe went to the man’s home with only 10 minutes conversation just only for fun. Or when they got drunk or throw up in the middle of dance floor. Or even their job hangs around in every night clubs to get money by sell their body. Ugly… that time I realized that this world is just so messed up. And I just sat down in the corner watching them. Or I moved my body alone enjoy the music that always makes me crazy.

Silly… I grown up in village but I feel I don’t want to stay there for living. City with their crowded thing is more me because I like to see lots of faces… faces of stranger. I have born in this country, but my nationality feeling to this country, time and time decreases. Till in the final time I really want to leave it and stay in another country where maybe I can find a new me. Find something new, try a new life, life that maybe even better than what I’ve had.

(iern)

Lost of the sense

I know your whisper
I know your smell
I heard your moan
I feel your sweat

I know what is sin
I know what the fake
I know the feeling
But making love, I know nothing

I hold on to your body
You lead me slowly
Lost, that is my feeling
Just your loud ahhhh heard in the ending
And where is mine?
I feel nothing….

(IeRn)