Take a short of vacation alone, I’m trying to hide this messed feeling that miscellaneous in my heart. Sit in the flight that not too full, I take 7 hours flight to the north outside my city, outside my country.
“Wanna drink something miss?” A flight’s attendant wakes me up from my long quiet ness.
“Hot tea please” she gives me a cup of hot tea that I wish will give my body and my heart warm.
Looks around and I just found everybody sleeping…reading… then my sight catches someone that sit down in other side from me just watching the window, look far away to the empty sky that now on the red color. I still watch him when he turns his face to me, his silent ness feel annoyed by someone. Quickly I throw my sight to another way and feel sorry because annoyed him already.
This is direct flight; 7 hours feel so short with this thinking, imagination and illusion. I see the seat belt sign is on then a voice of flight’s attendant fills this plane. She used local language where this plane come from, funny thing that I don’t understand, then continue it with English to announce us that plane will be landed shortly. I go to bathroom hurry to pee, landing sometimes make me nervous and when nervous come only feeling want to pee that shown up. Refresh my face with this nice water, I feel better.
In the immigration, for foreigner side still have several lines up. Another side I can see some people with slit eyes walk on hurry out from the local immigration. Now I can understand why this country little bit forwards then the others, I can see their people do everything quickly and fastly.
“Hey… I think we had same flight” a man in beside line talk to me. I can see him, somebody that I annoyed in the flight smiling at me.
“Ophhh yah…” I force my self to laugh.
“Ohh you are alone, I thought someone that sit beside you was with you”.
“Nope he is not, I’m alone… travel alone, I wish the weather in this month is not so bad so I don’t need someone accompany me” I make him laugh.
“Yah… December sometimes so bad for everything” I can hear deep thing on his sentence. Something hurting…My line moves faster then him, and several mans in front of him make distance for both of us. I give him smile mean “I go first” when I get the immigration stamp and they release me to enter their city. He replies my smile and indicates his finger to the luggage station that means he wants me to wait him there.
Waiting the luggage… “So you coming here for work or vacation?” he starts the short conversation.
“Coming for hiding” laugh…
“Ohh something made you scare in your country” still with laughing.
“How about you? Business or something?” I give him the same question.
“Nope, coming here for hiding also” and he give me the same answer.
My red bag comes on the line. “My bag coming” then I said goodbye to him.
“My name is Mark” he stretches his hand.
“I’m Lana” I reply him. “Nice to meet you Mark”.
I walk away but after 2 steps “if you interested, what you think if 2 hiding people meet together to give reason from their hiding meaning”.
I turn back to him “I don’t know... maybe”.
“So 2 p.m tomorrow a coffee shop in the Omotesando Hills Mall, I’ll wait for you there” he waves his hand to say bye. I wave my hand also then walk away to exit door to feel this cold weather in the damn December.
This hotel is in the middle class, if I compare it with hotels in my country of course people will say that this hotel is a messed. But in this country, I can’t pay more; everything in here is ghost expensive. But good thing is their heater working so well so I can find warm inside after almost freezing in outside.
1 a.m in the night I don’t feel tired. Middle naked only covered with this tank top; I sit near this glass window watching snow that doesn’t look white because softly dark night hides their color. So it is just like small rain.
This snow has covered dead trees near the street, this trees I don’t have any idea what is its name but when spring come, their leaf will appear again and back to life. Something that too difficult to be found in my country, yah it is because I don’t have winter there and I just have rain or sun or cloud that now we can’t even figure when the weather will change.
Cold starts creep to my body; I take the blanket then use it to cover. Still near the window, I cry alone…I don’t know because of what. Sad, disappointed, happy, amazing all combine stole everything in my weak heart.
Time moves, snow never stop giving cold in this entire city. Accompany dark that slowly move to dawn. Accompany a woman that enjoy this coldness with crying, wail to her pain feeling, hiding from her world.
It is almost mid noon when I find my self wake up with big headache. I turn on my mobile that I forgot since yesterday. 10 messages come, from mom twice, from brother, from office, from a friend and from him, someone that made me hide this pain feeling in this country. The message said “Where are you? Are you Ok?” I smile; he is very nice person that feels so sorry because hurt me.
Take shower, I wet down all my body to get out this headache and remember that have an appointment with that stranger man. I really want to cancel it and enjoy my day in the room but I don’t have his mobile number, stupid things that I forgot to ask.
Use this big coat I don’t feel comfort but still I walk against cold that I can’t ignore. My boot left the big mark on the snow that covered this street combine with the others. I go to station, take the subway to bring me to the meeting place.
Stop in Harajuku station I watch my watch, 2.15 pm that means I’m late. Walking about 10 minutes and I arrive in Omotesando Hills Mall. Confuse, because don’t have any idea which coffee shop that he meant, again stupid thing that I forgot to ask. So I check every coffee shop in this mall. And there he is, sit in outside of shop... watching the crowed. He waves his hand when his eyes catch me.
“I’m sorry I’m late” I take chair in front of him.
“I know you’ll come but I’m just afraid you can’t find me because I was stupid didn’t give you the number and the coffee shop’s name” I know he mean it.
“No probs”.
Conversation continues to the weather then the place then my city then about his divorce. He married 3 years ago with a woman from my city, everything looked find. But since last year everything felt wrong and last 3 months getting worst. He is a writer, journey writer; so his job always move from 1 place to another place to get experience and write it for his column in a big international newspaper. And his wife couldn’t accept that, she was too jealous when every time he went to another place. she couldn't trust him and those kinds of thinking made her lost mind.
So fight couldn’t be avoided. He tried many times to explain to her that he’ll never do anything was like her thinking but sometimes too hard to change somebody opinion although she/he knew us very well already.
Until one time, he knew that his wife involved in affair with their neighbor. And he couldn’t accept that, although he knew that maybe that was part of his mistake also.
He said “I’m too selfish maybe, because I can’t give her the best but I want she do everything the best for me. But I do love her, and maybe till now” he throw his sight to the snow in outside that never stop since last night. I say really sorry about what happened. He just smile hide his pain heart that maybe he even don’t know when it will go.
“How about you? what thing that you try to hide or throw for?”. I take depth breath and realize that mine is just simple and can’t be compared with his pain. Suddenly I feel so shy to my self, to him... that i'm just make simple problem becoming harder.
“Hmmm… I’m actually not that bad…” he wait for me to continue so I tell him.
“I met this man several months ago, we dated several time. He was so nice, at least I could see from his acted. I felt to him and I knew it. And I thought he felt the same way…because I could see in his eyes when he kissed my hand or blew my hair. I told him that I love him but I just shocked when he said sorry and told me that he was falling in love with somebody else. Yeah I know I have to high opinion about him, how come I had thinking that he liked me. I felt pain; you know… he was the one that can open my heart again to feel love after my last boyfriend left me for another woman. Not 100% him that make me feel down, but the feeling that I'm always not lucky with love and feeling scare how if until someday I can’t find someone that truly love me. I'm 34 years old now and could you imagine in the next six years i'll end up 40 and alone”.
He holds my hand, just want to share calm ness. “You’ll find him; he’s out there, just waiting until time bring you come to him”. I said thanks for his support.
He offer me to join to his trip to the south outside the city, and promise me that I’ll never say sorry if I join him because I’ll see the most beautiful mountain in this country. So I say yes, since I know I don’t have any plan to come to this country.
After breakfast we go together, we take this train. People called it bullet train.
"I wish day will clear today so you can see this mountain”.
“My camera is ready” I reply to him with showing my pocket camera.
This train moves very fast, I even can’t figure how to explain it. From right side of this train’s window, I can see it, Blue Fuji Mountain covered by snow. It is just perfect. Sun slowly light it and blue sky covered it. I can’t speak anything, just watching this amazing view.
“Perfect ha?” his question back me to the earth.
He asks me to stop in this station called Shin-Fuji station so I can make pictures of this mountain.
Here I’m… realizing that we are too small and happiness not always can be found only from a lover. But find someone that loves and cares about us truly as friend, as a lover, as anything and sharing with us about our sadness and happiness can make us happy. In front of this Fuji mountain, I feel really sorry to all people that love me and I left them just only to feel worry.Lover come and go, feeling happy change to be hurt and pain suddenly and that is life. No need for us to worry, no need hiding just want to test are those people still caring about us or not. So I take this camera out and put big smile on my mouth while he, a man that I just found as my good friend takes my picture that I’ll use to prove to every body that I'm fine. That this broken heart and affraid feeling are just simple thing that will pass by the time.
(-IeRn)
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