Loneliness (Mixed Grammar)

Life… is just not as simple as the word. Many things happen on our life, sad…happy…angry…and it just passes. Lonely and tragedy suddenly come and you realize how sick your life and then you just sit down on your nice couch and remembering about how happy you were when he still here accompany days and nights and you both passed it together. Then maybe sometimes your tears fall down just want to tell you how much you want those times back but you just couldn’t. Then you go to the crowded place, night club, and drunk maybe just to make you feel people. And you arrived home, wake up in the morning sit down on your bed then you back realize everything is still the same.

I walk with these feet along this street with my strep shoes. When all friends suddenly gone, when I have no body to talk with. When shopping now can’t make my thinking wake up. When man flirting feel not interesting... Then I just sit down to this old chair watching that blue water of this lake. Think…cry or maybe laugh when those duck kissing. Enjoy the view and the loneliness all the day. And this silent ness makes me feel so better.
But I wake up and all just dreaming. I walk with those cars that their gas makes me coughing. I used my sport shoes run to that treat mil that that a/c make me suck. I sit down in this café with all people around with their annoying voice. I dance and drunk in that club. And all this crowded never make me feel better.

A morning kiss wakes me up and found his arm around my naked body. Down from the bed; make a coffee then sit down in the back garden watching him reading his morning newspaper. Smell his body and put my head on his shoulder. Or just ask him to accompany me jogging and bring some flower home. Cooking and dinner together then little surprise come when he gives me a nice kiss with a perfect gift for my birthday.

But then I wake up again with my lonely naked body, pillow beside me was empty. Jogging around and just found those stupid people flirting along the road. Go to this five star hotel restaurant with full dress up. A glass of champagne and grill of salmon in front of me. A perfect rose is plated in the middle of this table. Sound of classic piano heard softly. But I can feel those eyes look at me, a pretty girl enjoy a perfect dinner alone to celebrate her birthday. No one around her, no man even a friend. And they never know which age her celebrated till a cake with 30 candle come to her table.

(-IeRn, for a friend that make so laugh in the last time we met-)

A Virgin Bitch (mixed Grammar)

God, I’m a bitch. I’m a virgin bitch. Two cocktail plus one glass of tequila for tonight, I feel my head flying. I heard music play harder and harder and his hand just tighter and tighter. He grabs my back, moves his body use it to hit me to that bar table. Still he moves, now I feel his thing under his jeans feel like want to taste mine. And I move my body; give him chance to feel mine. We dance again and again because this music even louder. Everybody dance, they hit each other because no free place even only for put your body relax. And that is how the way they enjoy night club bars.

My head feel turn around, still he give me drink to my mouth. I even don’t ask what that is but it makes my body so hot. Now I loss control, my feet can’t stick me to this floor. I trust him to make me stand up. Gosh… I’m drunk. Going to toilet, I fall down and throw up. Drunk so not fun, I feel big headache and dying. After 20 minutes in this toilet, I try to go out with handling on the wall. And he is there, reach me with his hand. “Let’s home” he says and I just follow. Never ask which home he meant.

Arrive in his apartment; again I throw up in his toilet. Damn… it’s really not fun. Lying in his bed, he opens my dress. Kisses me softly, I look to his eyes. “You can do anything to this body, just don’t fuck me. I’m virgin”. And then time over without I remember.
Open this eyes, I see this room still on the dark. I have this pajama cover my body. I don’t find him beside me. Smell of coffee and sound of plate coming from the kitchen. I wake up, those headache still feel a little. “Morning baby, how your sleep?” he gives me morning kiss. “Cup of coffee and scramble egg. Please” he asks me to sit down and enjoy my meal that can’t count as breakfast because I see a watch on the wall already 12 p.m. I look at him “we barely know, and how come you so nice”. “Because you are virgin” I look at him with question eyes. “I thought you’re just a bitch bar same like those other woman. But see you’re not; on the drunk and still you said please don’t fuck me”. I hide my smile “Gosh... I’m really sorry ruin your night. You planed to have some fun and maybe home with a woman that you can fuck but you must took care a virgin drunk woman that begged you please don’t fuck me”. He laughs for my sentences. “You nice” he grabs my hair softly. “And you so handsome and gentleman” I look his eyes deeply. His smile appears “I think I really want to take you out for a nice dinner date where we can look each other and talking allots thing”. “I’ll so wait for that, call me” I give him my number and write my name too on that note. He receives the note, read it and look at me “Call me Mark”. I say thank for the pajama and his lovely morning and leave his apartment with big smile. Well the fuck up night not so fuck up now. And a virgin bitch still on the track with really nice and handsome man as her date soon.

(-IeRn-)

Covered Asia: Hongkong as a Magic Island (Mixed Grammar)

After 5 hours flight to the north outside my country, finally my flight landed in that island. Well maybe only few people knew that Hongkong is an archipelago country because have some separate islands. Outside the migration controlled, I saw lots Europeans and some other local people, well didn’t know actually they were local people or another East Asia countries because mostly they had similar faces. Turned on my mobile and busy called some other friends that should meet me in this modern hongkong airport, finally I found them, a France man, a Scotland woman, a Deutsche, and the creasiest coming from England…an Englander. They came from different city; one of them came from Beijing, one from Kuala Lumpur, the others coming from Singapore then me coming from Jakarta. But all of us knew each other and ever lived in Jakarta, my own town.
“Oh shit… why Indonesia flight always delay?” the Englander said. I just looked at him with no motion. “That’s why my friend leave your country and leave you” he continued, now with laugh. “I left him and that’s the reason he left my city because no reason anymore for him to stay” I gave my bag to him; he grabbed my hair as a good friend. The others came to us and we were busy with hugging each other. Yah… 6 months already we were separated by countries, its counted as long time for miss feeling.
Took 1 taxi from airport went to our hotel, along the way full with laugh and kidding. Well actually Hongkong airport have direct express train that will take you from airport to the city but we choose taxi because I wanted to see TsingMa bridge that very popular in Hongkong. For Airport Express they would cost you around 150 thousand rupiah with really nice trip; I can say it because when I backed to Jakarta, from Hongkong island to airport I used that train. Taxi cost us more expensive, open door they would charge 15 thousand rupiah and the price counting so fast, I didn’t know how much actually per km but till the city we must pay 300 thousand rupiah.
Entered the city, I saw TsingMa from the far…really incredible bridge with new modern design in the middle of ocean. I tried to make it a picture but to difficult to make it while I was inside the car.
The taxi still drove away outside the city to the place that little bit quite south of Hongkong. The area was called Cyber port area. We stayed in Le Meridien Hotel, its little bit far from the city, yah… around half an hour from Hongkong city but more quite and the view was nice because we could see the ship in the ocean including the sunset. Hotel in Hongkong was damn expensive, for that hotel we must pay 2,5 million rupiah per night. And the room was small. It was nice and modern but I think it was smaller when I compared it with the same 5 star hotel in Jakarta. From the hotel to the city, they had Trans bus every hour but still they charged us although we were the hotel guest. The charge was around 50 thousand rupiah.

Covered Hongkong in the next day we went around the city. Hongkong is an island. From Hongkong Island you could see Kowloon and any other island was like another country. The distance between one island to others was relative close. It makes really nice view, mostly when you saw it in the night. About transportation inside Hongkong, you didn’t need to worry because transportation there was really good. They covered by underground train in any direction. You could pay the ticket in ticket box automatically that placed in everywhere in station. You just choose the direction where you wanted to go and prepare money. Well I think the ticket box in there was really smart; it even could receive paper money and gave you back the paper money and the coin also. So no need for you to confused about where you could get the coin. I think it’s smarter than the machine that I ever found in Europe, where I need to change my money to coin first then I could buy the ticket. There were some machines that received the paper money but it just limited amount of money. So in every station in Hongkong you would not find ticket counter because everything done by machine. You just only saw the information place that will help you about anything. Nice…
About the architecture, the skyscraper there was designed really nice because mostly building in Hongkong was built on the hill. There was one building that very famous there, it was called IFC (International Finance Centre). That building was very high until you even couldn’t see the top every morning because smoke covered it. On January, time when I went there, winter still coming in Hongkong and the air mostly was smoke. And the weather was around 16 degrees…yah… not too cold for winter I think. But maybe the weather will be perfect on April because it will be 24-26 degrees, a perfect weather for walking. IFC was a modern building with classy huge mall inside it. It related with Hongkong main Train station that looks like an airport; really huge…I think it’s around 5 floors.
I went to some other places in Hongkong Island. Some places that must go during in Hongkong Island are a museum so you can understand how Hongkong were built. The Scotland woman and Englander didn’t go with us to the museum, because they still busy with shopping in IFC…hmm… And then there was big park that be called Victoria Park, but for Indonesian be carefull there were a lot Indonesian worker there or Indonesia local people called them TKW (Tenaga Kerja Wanita) because mostly the workers are woman. I went to that park and found lot women that speak Javanese language, my mother language... haha I run away. One thing for you that like shopping will enjoy during you are in Hongkong is shopping time. Well there, you could find a lot shops with SALE on the window, you could find from famous brands till local product. I so enjoyed that. So don’t forget to bring enough money for shopping. There were a lot shopping centre, in the mall and others just small brand boutique along the street. So you entered from one boutique then went out and went to another boutique in the next door. It’s not same like Singapore where the boutique placed inside the mall.
For you that don’t like branded stuff, don’t worry you can buy the traditional things that are cheaper. This market called xxxx street (well I forgot the name, I’ll search it later in my handycam) and it’s only open during night till morning. All stuff in that street was quite cheap. I bought one miniature of Geisha only with 50 thousand rupiah, my friends bought t-shirt with mandarin word, he even didn’t know the meaning but he said cool so he took it haha, really interesting. This market was located in the corner of Hongkong, you could reach it by train and just need to walk for 2 blocks.

In the second day in Hongkong we went to the Victoria Peak, from this peak you could see all around Hongkong. And of course the Tsing Ma bridge. My eyes couldn’t stop to see the blue water in the down and nice big bridge on it, really incredible view. Well in Victoria Peak there were a lot places were you could enjoy cup of Chinese tea during watching the view and felt the cold weather. This place is better enjoyed during sunrise or sunset, so you can see the sun. I went there for the sunset. It’s in the up of Hongkong. We sat down in a tea café, talking about anything stupid that we ever done while waiting sun went down and finally disappear.

For night life, Kowloon was the place. It was only 10 minutes from Hongkong, you could reach it by underground train. In Kowloon you’ll find people from all countries. Bar and night club was open till morning and the street would never empty by people. We went there to enjoy music and had fun. In one nice bar I ordered “Virgin Long Island”. Those stupid friends look at me “you know long island right?” the Deutsche asked me. I said yes. “And u said virgin??” he continued and again I said yes. “It’s mean you order lemon tea” the Englander completed the Deutsche sentence with big laugh. I just didn’t care with them, “who cares, I don’t drink alcohol and I think virgin long island will be more nicer name then lemon tea haha” maybe from that they like me because I’m so funny (too confidence). But what I like from those people is they respect about who I’m, and I tried to respect also about who they are. All of us understand about the differences, every people and every country or religions have their own rules and standard about anything. I’ll tell you that one of those people didn’t believe of God but I can’t tell you which one. He said I can’t believe anything that I can’t see. I asked him several question about died or birth and how come those happen without something that control it and he gave me answered about knowledge bla bla so I stopped my questions. But still everybody respect him because finally it depend any of us which life that we want to choose. Anyway that night was fun, there was a nice band coming from Australia, I forgot the name and it was really good performance and we so enjoyed it.

The third day after slept till mid noon, in the afternoon we tried to cover some island outside Hongkong. We went to Lama Island; you could reach some of those islands from ship port in the middle of city. The ferry ticket price was so cheap, nah there you need coin to pay the ticket from ticket box. But don’t worry there are some counters where you can change your paper money to be a coin. I paid 15 thousand for boat trip to Lama Island. The island is not a tourist place, but there we could see how the shipper’s life. And also we can enjoy nice and cheap seafood. My Deutsche friend like seafood very much, so he eats was like crazy. Me… yah so so, I only like the fish, not much on crab. But still it delicious, eat seafood directly from the place while see shipper’s ships.
Almost night when we arrived back to the city, and I already dying couldn’t go anywhere after 4 hours trip in the middle of ocean.

The fourth day… that was Saturday, the day that was waited because that Disneyland time. Disneyland was little bit far from Hongkong. It was placed in the north of Hongkong as own island. You could reach it by a Mickey train from Hongkong station. I called it Mickey train because everything, train’s interior and exterior using mickey stuff. Even the window use Mickey style. The train ticket I think around 100 thousand rupiah. Don’t shock when inside the train you’ll find a lot young people because a lot interesting games in Disneyland. The trip was around 1 hour. Disneyland was in the hill, so you’ll feel that the train little bit up. Arrived in Disney you’ll find Disney things in all stuff, start from lamp, pot, the gate or even the flowers. Haha my child feeling came up, very funny. The ticket to enter Disneyland was around 300 or 400 thousand rupiah, I little bit forgot. And you could use all games with those tickets. Used the train, they showed us animation animals around the place. Not much interested for me, it’s only for children. Taman Safari Bogor I think was much better. Some games in Hongkong Disneyland were quite boring and only interesting for children. But some others was really good, example Galaxy Trip where the fast train, we called it Halilintar in Indonesia bring you slowly to a cave that was already set like Galaxy that have lots planet then moving so fast around 2 minutes. I screamed and angry with my Englander friend because he the one that force me to join that game. Shit! Ten minutes after and my heart still jumping and he just laughed look at to my stupid face. I found my stupid face in a picture centre, without we knew they took our picture when we used their game and sell it to us. I even didn’t want to see my own face in that camera but the Englander paid for that picture and brought it with him maybe for mouse in his apartment. The other interested game and the most I like was 4 dimension of Mickey movie. They gave us the glasses then we watched the 4 Dimension of Disney movie. Amazing… it was like they brought me with them flying, jumping and any others. Even I could smell the cake and feel the wind. My France man couldn’t stop to move his hand tried to catch something that he saw in front of him. After out from the cinema I always called him stupid and he protested as usual. Ah remembering Disneyland, I remembered a song that sing by Five for Fighting “Disneyland”. That song talk about how happy if we wake up everyday in Disneyland.
In the afternoon around 4 pm, the Disney parade appears. All Disney actors, Mickey, Mini, Donald and others join to the parade and everybody busy with their own camera and clack click tried to catch their pictures. Including me…
After all the day spent time in Disneyland, we backed again to the city. What can I say; I think Hongkong Disneyland wasn’t like what I expected. In my opinion it was standard, lots game that you can find in any other country, only the architecture that really nice with the hill background. Maybe Japan Disneyland is much better, well I’ll tell you more about Japan in other writing.

The fifth day, we spent days covered Cyber port. Walking around in the morning, only 2 people joined me because the Englander and France man still died in their room. We saw Chinese funeral, where everything looks white and plus they put died people’s picture on it. Hmmm… I said crazy when my Scotland woman or blonde (a name that we gave to her) take a picture with one of them.
Cyber port was a quite place; we only enjoyed the cinema and restaurant in that area. Lots nice restaurant there but because I didn’t eat pork so difficult for us to find a restaurant that free from it. One of my friend said “don’t say you’ll bring us to Kebab again” I just laughed. The other day I ever brought them to Kebab because it was free from Pork, and they lost their smile. “You’ll not die with eat Pork, you even don’t eat it… even the pork oil already make you afraid. What is this thinking” he continued. Difficult sometime to explain to them what the reason is why can’t and why can in my believing so I just answered “who cares”. And still follow me to search restaurant. Finally we went to a Chinese restaurant that gave us very big food. Easy for me to eat it because I often eat Chinese food and seems they liked it also. So it’s fair.

The sixth day was the time I should back to my country because my holiday only for 8 days. The France man continued to Thailand for work in the next day, the blonde and Deutsche will stay more 3 days in Hongkong before back to their work place. The Englander came to Jakarta with me, he said afraid if stupid man took me so he should be my bodyguard. That was so not true; the truth was he missed Jakarta. He likes that city very much and that time he took 3 weeks vacation. Actually he asked me went to Vietnam directly from Hongkong because it’s already closed, I said no with reason afraid of war. “Just say you don’t want because no war in Vietnam” haha I just laughed, because the truth reason was I needed to back to work or my company will fired me. He even provoked will teach me painting if I come with him, still I said no. After gave up and said how difficult I’m, finally he bought ticket to come to Jakarta with me with promise I’ll accompany him around Bali and maybe search for him a nice woman to be his girl friend. Huh… I said “nah now you ask me to be Germo” he knew the meaning and answer “its true girl friend, maybe if we matched I’ll marry her” its make me laughed too much when a crazy European man told me about marriage. He hit my head and I screamed “auchhhh”.
Finally after waited the boarding around 1 hour, I left Hongkong with big smile after amazing experience in the magic island.

(IeRn)

Drunk

Dirty and empty, I found my self
Talking alone without partner
Tears drop never realize
Big laugh can’t be stopped

Stand up but walking I couldn’t
Drop on the floor and no one lend a hand
Music on my ear
Ask me to dance although no feet stick me on the floor
Reach your hand, empty I found
Imagine your face, Brad Pitt stumbled on

Wake up in the morning
Headache coming
On this bed, remember nothing
And never imagine who bed now I’m lying

(iERn)

Evil

I see field, drying no water…
Small corns come out from the small earth’s hole
Yellow and die
I see a farmer…
Big hat and dirty clothe
Dry face with small nose

I see a kid, with dirty face crying
Said hungry without listening her papa whispering
No rice, no corn, no food
To make an empty stomach filled
To stop little children’s crying…
And I did nothing, busy with my own thing
Feel happy with my own money collecting
But still…I gave him small of money
Not because I did sympathy
But because I’ll receive three times more
And add it to my own kingdom
That’s me…I’m an evil

(IeRn)

Shit Feeling

I feel like shit
Everything turned to me
Everything failed on me
Make a thing, I’m wrong
Learn a thing and nothing
All are damn
When shit and failed combine
Only down feeling left
Because everybody can’t understand
Even for me can’t control my own body

(IeRn)

Covered Thailand

On my feet in that town, it was so incredible experience. Flew from Frankfurt to Singapore then continued trip to Bangkok. I came in that city in the middle of night, every place looked so quite. Stayed in the area that called China town, maybe the most crowded place in that city. But it was cool, because you could find lots of things in that area. Street foot or just local snack, hmmm so yummi…

Started tour in the morning, I went to a place called Grand Palace, everybody said you couldn’t say that you were in Bangkok without went to that place, so I went there. That was so huge palace for a king. But what I could say, it was not looked like a palace but for me I thought it was more like a place with lots of temples. Only with 160 Bath or around 40 thousand rupiah you could enjoy huge, nice and luxury castle. People said some of the castle was truly built by gold. But it was only rumors and I didn’t know was that right or not. But one thing that I could say, Grand Palace was incredible place when you could absolutely saw lots of Buddhist cultures that maybe you couldn’t see in another place.

Well there was a thing that I wanna say for you if maybe you interested with that place, Grand Palace was closed only till 4 p.m and no short or tank top allowed. But don’t worry, because you could lend a long traditional dress there. I think it was around 80 Bath or if I convert it to rupiah maybe around 20 thousand rupiah.

Out from Grand Palace, just took a walk around and you could find lots gift shops. I bought nice pink wide hat that time, yah the price was around 60 – 100 bath. Enjoyed the afternoon with new nice hat, I continued my way to the river port. Well surprised actually when suddenly some people came to me and said “Wat Arun tour, nice ship and nice trip only for 700 Bath”. I took 1 ship and pay 600 Bath or around 150 thousand rupiah and went to a place that called Wat Arun. Gosh… I was so afraid that time because the ship was really traditional and old, but it was fun when I could see some people that live in the corner of the river; I even couldn’t imagine how they could take a bath in that river and washing and other activity using that water. Looked at them and I felt really lucky.

In the middle of river suddenly the ship stop, one of local people that own the ship said to me that in here I could see huge fish, its were called Lele fish, well I don’t know how to called it in English. But it was really huge fish.

Finally we arrived in Wat Arun, again it was only castle, but I thought it was older that all castle in Grand Palace. For me it was not too excited. But yah I thought Bangkok it was castle city, when you could find lots old castles.

Night life in Bangkok was much better. Nice bars, nice clubs. They had nice huge mall, but what I didn’t like was, there were lots of unorganized street shops. However, the good thing there, you also could find outdoor bars where you could sit down enjoyed beer or just soft drink and had fun with your friends accompany by nice life music on the stage. It was nice. And also there was a place that hiding and I thought it was very famous in Bangkok. They had a program that called “a Tiger Show”, I had no idea in the first time when my hotel reception asked me to go there watching tiger show. So I went search that place. And hahahaha it’s a striptease place with some big bodyguards. That place openned around 11 pm, but I didn’t know how much the ticket because I cancelled enter that place and went back to my hotel with big laugh.

China town was 24 hours place, don’t worry I think that place was safe. But the important thing didn’t forget to bring your id in anywhere you went because sometimes police came to you suddenly mostly in the midnight and just asking about your id.

In the second day in Thailand, I took one day tour from my hotel going to Pattaya. The tour programs were Thailand-Pattaya-Coral Island- then backed again to Bangkok. The tour price was around 1800 Bath or 450 thousand rupiah. I went from hotel around 7 pm. Goodness, Bangkok had problem with traffic jam as same as Jakarta. In everywhere around the city... not in the morning, not in the night you will find traffic jam all over the city. Hmmm frustrating…. Finally we arrived in Pattaya around 10 am. Hmmm you’d see lots women that sat down in front of each café in there with minim dress and tried to get you to enter their café. For sure it would be fun for men. But be careful, maybe some of them is not real woman. I mean, there were lots men in Thailand that really pretty and they dress were like women.

The tour took me to place called centre of jewelry. There they’d bring you inside the cave and showed you how jewelry made. After that, they’d bring you to the shop that full with jewelry and you can choose which jewelry that fit on you. The price is depend how old the stone, older stone is more expensive. I bought one from medium Safire. ahh so woman.

Pattaya was a beach town; well if you ever went to Kuta in Bali I thought it’s almost the same area. Where you could find lots café near the street with nice beach in front of you. I took one boat and start the trip going to Coral Island with another 25 peoples joined me in that boat. Needed 3 hours with boat from pattaya to reach that island. In the middle way our boat stopped, to let us enjoy the little bit water sport in the port middle of ocean. After 30 minutes we continued our trip. We arrived, and everybody said “Oh my God”. From far we saw heaven. Blue water… white sand and nice green hill. We needed to change from our big boat to a smaller that finally brought us to the land. One of tourist coming from Europe only sat down on the land and just enjoyed that nice view. For me I directly went to the café to enjoy my late lunch and filled my empty stomach.

In Coral Island you could do alots water sports or just only snorkeling. I went more deep to the island and found some local people houses behind the hill. From the high, I saw that island as a heaven, really incredible. Took some pictures of mine with the island background (must be), I felt really lucky to enjoy that beauty. One thing that i should say, you couldn’t find any hotel in that island. So you just needed to come in the morning, enjoyed the sun and the view all day and backed to pattaya again in the afternoon.I could say that that island was really recommended place for you to go when you have little time to come to Thailand.

(IeRn)

Picture Of Me

I thought I’m fun
But it’s just uninteresting
Because boring still coming
I thought I’m pretty
He said I’m too beauty
Another said I’m too naughty
You said I’m ordinary

They thought I’m happy
Find you, him and another
But it’s depressing
When I found all are the same
Second met and interesting
Third met and its nothing
Then another you or another him coming
Hope… and again nothing
Because my stage is third meeting

(IeRn)

Stupid Thinking

They said I’m too young
Middle age and love in second place
Quarter age and love in the first place
So they said I’m too young
Quarter age and different thinking

I looked this mirror
Asking how old am I?
50 years old man wants to marry me
35 years old man don’t want to touch me

Naked and just fat I see
Appearing from side to side
Asking why he running
Can’t to pay me?
Or in the middle age category

(IeRn)

Same

Damn...
Crying alone nothing I found
Shadow in mind…I'm dying
Meeting you... silent coming
Thinking of you… All disappear
But far from you... missed feeling approaching

Everything was wrong
Crying alone again coming along
Till when?? No answer
Cause nothing has changed
One to another and It’s still same

I’m breathing…thinking…
Met you just and no word to say
Because you looked far
When I saw your eyes and you looked at there
To A woman that was waiting

(IeRn)

Quietness

A lots word wants to be said
A lots why want to be asked
But quiet come fill time
Leave disappointed
Leave broken heart
Accompany your shadow that shortly fades away

Turn around my body
Your back I looked
No question, I walked slowly
Left you…left hope
And enjoy quietness
In my own way

(IeRn)

Life Dreaming

God, I don’t understand people sometimes. They got lots of friends but easy to forget when new one comes. I don’t understand him, when he said I love you but disappear too soon. I don’t understand office that sometimes only becomes the place to get money. I don’t understand my self, when I love him but can’t say even a word. I don’t understand this world, that freedom now looked too open.Lots of things appeared in my mind and I don’t understand, a lots why questions came into sight but I don’t have the answer. Human… it’s too complex to be written.

Sit down on the beach's sand with silent ness waiting sun goes down, I remember you that used to spend a lots time with. . We so enjoyed the time. But now… you completely gone, another new one already comes. And I, I sit down on this beach's sand trying to remember everything that we done.

"hmhhhhhhh...." trying to throw all heavy things on my mind. Wind blows… sun slowly goes down in the west and has left orange color in the sky. A lots people come and go in our life. And silent ness... suddenly becomes a best friend to kill the time.

Sit down... still with nothing, i see sun changes to the moon and stars starting appear in the sky and I’m still here alone on the beach’s sand. No one accompany... no one around, just light of flight in the sky that sometimes blinking…red…black…red…black…red then dark.

I think about life means, is it family means of life? When you have great husband or wife then smart and funny kids and a house that you can called home, is it life? How if someone that decide to live alone, no husband or wife,no kids but she/he happy, is it call life too?.

Yeah life is just decision where you bring it to go. But if I can choose, I want a small family someday with someone that I really love and love me too, when we raise our kids far from town where we can sit down on beach’s sand and enjoy sun goes down. Or place when we can enjoy biking with fresh air and we can just stop to see the green lake and blue sky shadow on it. That is dream about my future life. When high heel sandal maybe become not too much important thing anymore,when any colors of bags will be easy to be forgot. When lipstick or blush on not much on red color because nature shines you. When I can make my body dirty without feel worry because I can see a lots color of flowers that will be shown 2 weeks after. When I can put my head on his shoulder and tell him how I much I love him when we sit down waiting sunset and feel world is just like our own.

(-IeRn-)

Woman

Breast and vagina are part
When you grab your body
Bag and nice shoes are include
To make you cool
Lipstick and eye shadow
Sometimes too thick
Just to attract man to be sympathy
Slim and naughty
Language of your body

You walk and his eyes accompany
He catches you and makes you destroy
Love is one of your reasons
To make what you did as a common
Then you feel sorry
When he leave you with your twice body
Without a letter or a wedding ceremony

(-IeRn-)

Three

Back and forth I walked
Wrong way I thought
Crazy thing I found
From his that long

Put my self on nasty
I was a messy
Moved from him to another
We played together

Sorry… but it felt high-quality
When he tasted me and I enjoyed
Sorry… but it felt tasty
When the other touched me and I felt likely

(-IeRn-)

No Return Love

Fuck and shit
Words that heard till midnight
Deep in your eyes, No me inside
Night flows…I lost

Seeing her, big question
Cause your eyes was different
Make me silent…

She is fun
I'm hideous
She is cool
I'm nervous
Look at you, I feel happy
Look at her, you feel happy

Smile on this face, thinking running
Fuck and shit now was no meaning
Runaway, I was hiding
From feeling that go again

(-IeRn-)

See their smile and you’ll realize (Mixed Grammar)

I open television and see their happy face with big smile on the streets. Gun in their hand but with sing and laugh they are dancing together make Baghdad as a happy city for temporary. A 2 years old child on his dad shoulder, look to camera with straight face don’t know why his dad sing with so happy… no frightens…no worries, just was not he used to be.
Yah… football that is presented for all Asia countries made that city life for a moment. I don’t know when the last time, we can see people sing and scream their country name is like they are united in that city. Usually we only heard bomb, death and crying.
But today they prove to all people on this world that they are a big country. Their lovely team that was seen as a loser now shown to us that war never makes their achievement death. They are going to Final.
“Iraqi… Iraqi…” a man with a gun in his hand catches by camera. “Door...dor...dor...” He shoots his gun to the sky several times and back dance after that. God, I know too difficult sometimes for these people to get a thing that can make them happy.
I don’t know why my heart so touched sees their face when they kiss this earth just want to say big thanks to their God. And without I realize my heart says thanks also to my God for those smile and happy in their face. A tear drops from my eyes for their happiness.

Don’t know why war must kill those brave people, the smart kids, and lovely women. Some arrogant people sometimes just take an advantage from the others that are weaker. They’ll never see how many mans that death, how many kids without parent, how many women lost their families. They just care about money and power.
Sometimes I think, is it my world? I’m not good in politic or social, but my heart cries when I see these people so happy when they can prove to the world that they are still exist, that they are not a weak country is just like what those people think. I wish all worlds’ leaders can see those. No need another death, no need another sad, just let them…give them territory to can find peace by their self.
On my deep heart, sometimes I have big question. When war will be end? When we’ll more appreciate life? When we can see kids play on the peace? When we don’t have fear that maybe place that we’ll go will be exploded by bomb? When and when terror, war, killed will never seen in television or newspaper as a main topic?
Yah but I’m just small girl that maybe never understand what those big man behind those big desk think. I only have imagination, we can go to every country in this world, enjoy their beauty without fear of war or terror. I don’t know…are all of this is just part of plan, maybe part of God’s plan?

(-IeRn-)

A Dreamer Boy (Mixed Grammar)

I’m just 15 years old boy, maybe not lucky one because no mom and no dad. No education and no religion, just know how to get money in this crowded city for living today. But I’m a big dreamer. Someday I’ll hold this country with my hand, is it my ambition to be a president? Maybe, But when I see this handful of rice, I’m sad. Because I’m only a dreamer. I don’t know to whom I can ask something, I don’t know to where I can make this dream come true. I never ask, I never pray because I don’t have God…is there God? Who is God? My mind is full with a question.

Take these newspaper from pool then sell it from bus to another bus, I try to get money for eat today. And poor I, sometimes those big men take by force my money. But I don’t cry because I’m a boy.

Leave this bus, my newspaper just sold one; 2000 Rupiah and noon already appear. I sit near this fried snack or people called it gorengan seller. My stomach sound, I’m hungry but have no money. This gorengan looked special in my eyes but the seller look at me hardly. I take this small stone and hold it tight in my hand to bear this hungry. Pain…tears full my eyes when I wish to have mom or dad. But I don’t cry because I’m a boy.
Gorengan seller goes for a while maybe for pee. No people watching, I can’t handle this hungry anymore. I take 3 gorengan and running right the time when gorengan seller come. “Cheater….pencuri…” some people run to catch me. They kick me; I feel pain in my face and body. I give a thousand Rupiah to gorengan seller so they stop to kick me. With another one thousand I walk in this city. How hard this life, but I still have this dream. I told to other people “I want to be president someday, and I’ll give money to all people are like us” and they just looked at me for a while then laugh “I understand why you never get money, because your work is only dreaming” one of them said to me then hat my head.
I walk without sandal in this hot asphalt. “Auch...auch...” sometimes it feels pain.
I open one of the newspaper; I can read, not from school because I don’t know what is that but I learnt by my self. “President open the international school today” I can see president and some happy kids in my age have big smile in that picture. They are rich so they can go to the school. But where I can go to learn? I don’t have mom or dad, I don’t have money, I wish to meet president just want to say I want school…I want to be a president is like him someday. I have intelligence; I’m not a crab brain.
But again I’m only 15 years old boy that only has a dream that maybe too far. I don’t cry although sometimes my eyes fill by tears. I don’t have home; I don’t have family, sometimes sleep near the bus stop or under the bridge. But I study from my hard life, from those people life. From this newspaper I can see the world. I can read about America, German, France or Japan…I know those countries. And I know I’ll go to there someday.

From this bridge I see this city, huge street with allots car that stuck in front of me. My heart says “wait... wait until I prove you that I can handle you someday. Today I only have a thousand but someday I’ll have a billion. I don’t need a help, I’ll do by my self”. I see that huge street tight, I grip my hand tight. I don’t care if today world only see me as a dreamer boy. Because someday I’ll open their eyes when they see my face in those newspaper and they’ll write there “New president open new school for un parent kids”.

(-IeRn-)

Little Time to Remember (Mixed Grammar)

Enjoy a cup of tea; I see green along the hill. This tea trees have made not only the air but the eyes also on calm. This warm water spread warm in my body, against cold that even still break through this thick sweater. I put my both hand on my shoulder then rub it, just want to throw this cold a little bit.Sun that hasn’t appeared perfectly yet, has made red color in the east sky. Small bird, flying low try to make those dews drop from tea leafs. I still sit down on this stone and put my cup of tea in the other stone in front of me. I look to the east, waiting the sun shine upon my face perfectly.

Listening this music from my ipod far from crowded; just only the small bamboo-hovel that sells hot tea and some other traditional foods for the tea picker in this hill. The seller said in few days will be more quite because tea pick session for this area was done 2 days ago. So maybe the tea picker will come in the afternoon only for today. If tomorrow never come maybe I’m the lucky person because have this perfect morning.

Sun slowly appears; it’s light shines on my face. I close my eyes enjoy the warm that it gives. Lean on the big tree, the only one tree in this hill except tea trees, I open my bag and take out my laptop. White blank page Microsoft word in front of me and I write on it:

No wind, but cold find
Red disappear and yellow visible
Shine…
Change death face to blush
Throw cold to warmness
by those

Alone and this classical play
Enjoy yellow light that I waited
Love… where are you hiding?
Or is it you?
Warm that throws this blood
Happy that flow in this heart
Maybe those just another face
From you, that I searched
Until this death face just want to be fell

I read again this poem, and again... is it emptiness? Or is it a mind that just opened about meaning of love? Well, I don’t know either what is that meaning for, but sometimes love comes to our heart in allots different way.

Sun little bit high now, some kids with backpack and red-white uniform sing together accompany their way going to school. I put smile trying to remember 20 years back, when I still on those uniform without shoes in my feet that sometimes must passed by mud road. I see those kids and I find love, for my parent that always right there beside me… for my friends when we were together just only to sing song with our messed voice, or just around with cooking played and made our mom voice out with high tone. That was love… when I cried alone near my bed when I saw dad and mom were fighting, when I laughed together with them when heard my brother story that he punished by a teacher. When I made my mom cried, because I got a perfect score on final. And when she made me cried when she said “I’m proud of you” while hug me.I don’t know why sometimes all new things cover those memories and just put it in the corner.

Take a deep breath I shutdown this laptop, and walk leave this peace green place join those kids sing a song, just want to remember a little me in a little time when I felt so happy.

(IeRn)

A Broken (Mixed Grammar)

A doubt, sometimes is just not easy to follow and not easy to pursue. And run away sometimes be a good decision to hide… to get a peace for temporary. So here I’m making my decision. About my love that coming over for delusion and I know that it will never be real. It’s really not what I want to fall on you, but just I see your eyes and I know I felt. So this is not my wrong and also it is not your wrong that you’ll say “I’m sorry I’m not in to you”.

So I put this heart down, open my eyes more, crying alone although sometime getting bored. Sometimes I just want to know about you but I know you are not mode on. So I keep this, tight it, since is like before when you saw me as a common.

For you that sometime so nice, that sometime so ugly, that sometime so handsome, that sometime so fuck up. I just miss how the way you are, don’t ask me since when because heart never counting the time.
Remembering when I looked at you first time, I saw you as ugly man. I talked to you first time and I found you as a funny man. I knew you several times and I can see that you are a big man. So this is just not my wrong to fall on you, because you are just a perfect person to be felt to.

Lying on bed, I imagine you. Sometimes I touch my body just want to feel you then play drama on my own thinking is like I’m having you.
Keep you in mind; I always have these memories…short of. I don’t know you very well and so do you, but figure time that we passed, again it just short of…but I mean you.
I tried to show how much I care but you go. I showed you my feeling but you running. So I keep this alone, handle it alone, no need for you to worry... I’ll never disturb you with kind of silly or anything heavy. So please… no need for you to hide from me.

(-IeRn-)

Forbidden Love (Mixed Grammar)

I met him a month ago in that café by accident. I threw my drink on him and he threw nice smile on me. A week later he offered me dinner, we talking each other about our life and I knew that he married. Damn, why I always late to meet every nice man? Why those women steal faster for all nice man?
“Why your face change after I told you I married” he could see something.
“Yah... I’m disappointed, why all nice man always married and if not they are gay” he laughed listening my answered.

A week later, this married man still couldn’t out from my mind. His nice smile, nice act, nice conversation were still hanging there in my thinking. So did him, in one late night I received a message.
“Why I can’t delete your face from my mind. Something wrong with me” I reopened that message 3 times, he felt on me and maybe he tried to cover it because he loves his family. And I didn’t want being somebody that have affair with somebody’s husband so I was just silent and didn’t reply his message.
Another night I received another message that asking how I’m and that married man want to meet for coffee after office time. He added in his message “just to say hello after a week we didn’t meet up”.
So I said yes with thinking that maybe that man could be my good friend.

7 pm in the night and he waited for me in the corner of coffee shop. I said hi and he kissed my cheek to say hi. I looked his face and my eyes didn’t want to throw from it. We talked about our stupid day in office. He told me about funny story when his staff tried to make him a picture for a company profile.
“The photographer said, “You are the funniest director ever” ” he laughed and so do I.
“Yes you are” I replied.
Then… several minutes were on silent. “So how is your wife?” I didn’t know why that question suddenly appeared. He looked at me for a while then answered
“She is fine, I don’t know if you interested with her”. I smiled, “Just asking, because you never told me about your marriage” I said, stupid sentence that maybe inappropriate to ask to new people. But he replied seriously.
“I’ve been marrying her for 3 years and no kids so far. She is good, nice and I love her and our marriage seems really good” he stopped there and I tried to fix my heart that felt little bit disappointed heard how well his marriage. I was suck woman.
“But lately I found something else happened in my heart and I knew it’s not her but somebody else” my face freezing, I waited but he didn’t continue.
After 2 hours, I asked to back to home. He offered me a drive but I said no, I just needed walk for a while. I accompanied him waiting his driver then walking away after his car moved left me.

I walked alone pass the garden, stand up there for a while seeing nice flowers that had allots color. I just wanted to step my feet when someone said hi. I turned back my head and found him, married man behind me.
“What’s happened? Where is your driver?”
“I asked him to go” he stepped forward to me, reached me and kissed me. Shocked because it was too sudden, I didn’t know what to do. But he kissed me still, slowly I replied him. Those flowers be my witness that all the feeling came out, I love that man.
I followed him when he asked me to enter the taxi. His hand holding mine tight don’t want to lose it. The taxi went to the Diamond hotel in the middle of city. He checked in a room and I was still on silent.

Entered on the room, he reached me on the wall. Kissed him wild made me realize that I wanted him so much. He opened my pant and I opened his. We made love even when lamp didn’t yet switch on and our dress also still on.
Sat down on couch, he held my body that shaking because of crying. He blew my hair and held me tighter. I even couldn’t say a word to gape how sorry I was. But he did.
“I’m sorry, I really didn’t plan it. But true I think I love you”. I didn’t answer, my tears still dropped.
“You married and I’m suck woman, I wish this is the first and last time for us to meet” I left him, I left that diamond hotel with big doubt and sorry.
My tears still won’t to be stopped when I was inside the taxi. My heart just said “shit...shit...shit… how come I felt?”

Now after a month last time I saw him in that diamond hotel, he tried to call me still but I rejected always. Although my mind never stop to think about him, although my heart always feel pain every time he sent me a message and said that he was pain because I never replied him.
Today is so sunny but I sit in outside of this café accompanied by a glass of watermelon juice and black sun glasses. A BMW car stopped in front of restaurant next to me. A pretty woman out from the car then he is. God…my heart is jumping. They are a perfect couple, nice woman and looks so friendly and I just a messed. Suddenly I realize that he don’t love me, maybe he just want to find different feel of sex. Thinking about that, make me feel so damn sorry to my self.
“Fuck, you have a perfect wife and you say love to a messed is like me. You just want to play ha?? FUCK U” I write a message to him. He calls me but I don’t reply then his message comes.
“Where are you?? For God shake I do love you. We come here to meet our lawyer to talk about our divorce. Please don’t runaway from me” I stop my step and have big question on my head.

Another day, I ask him to meet up to explain everything to me. With Polo T-shirt and jeans, this 40 years old man still looks fantastic.
“I’m so glad finally I meet you” he is calm like he used to be and I said sorry for all stupid things that I wrote for him.
“Actually already a year my marriage not going well, when I met you I don’t know why I told you bullshit about my happy marriage. I just want to see how you reacted and I knew that was my mistake. I’m really sorry for that”
He starts his story and when found me still on silent he continues. “I do love you and it’s true, I don’t know why so don’t ask me but love never ask explanation. I and my wife’s era will be over and it’s not because of you, but it’s happened since you didn’t yet come to my life”.
I don’t know how I supposed to be, should I happy or should I sad. But I just know that I love this man since first time I saw him. Yesterday everything looks so impossible and I tried to hide my forbidden love. But today time shows me the fact that seems like my forbidden love not too forbidden anymore and I don’t know why I feel so relieve.
So let say that sometimes love is blind or we made it to be blind. I put my hand on him, hold it and give him strength to pass his hard time in his life because I do love him.
I’m a suck woman that feel sorry to a nice woman about her marriage… about her ex husband soon that choose me as a lover… about her life that maybe messed up right now thinking about her damn marriage… but maybe about her happiness that finally she found another lover that more perfect for her is just like what her husband has.

(-IeRn-)

Naughty Afternoon (Mixed Grammer)

Getting bored, I throw this book to the table. Shit why he, a man that I just called as boy friend a month ago doesn’t call. I know he is a busy person, 9 pm always everyday out from the office but it is not a problem for me. The problem is when he starts become someone that isn’t too care and sometimes ignore me. It is just like now, since 2 days he didn’t call. I sent him a message and he just replied with “Ok” or “No’. So its enough, I go to his house on sudden and find him stretching his feet watching television.
He looks surprise seeing me. “Ohh hi, what’s up?” a question that inappropriate to ask in this condition. So I’m to the point to my problem.
“What do you want from us? We stay in one city and it is look like you stay in outside continent” I sit my ass down to the couch beside him. He just looks at me with his silent ness.
“Do you care about me? Do you know if I’m still alive? Do you know if I’m sick?” angry is mode on.
“Are you sick?” there… stupid man asking about stupid question. I just silent try to make this angry calm down.
“Come on sweetie…. Angry not good for your health... I love you” he kisses me, blow my hair, grab my breast and everything is fine. My angry disappears to somewhere I don’t know.
Our eyes catching each other, “why I so love you?” I say.
“Because I love you too” he lied me down on this couch, open my t-shirt and enjoy my body.
Only words “ahhhhgggg” and “ogggghhhhh” that out from our mouth when we moan together enjoy the sensation.
Afternoon's light breaks through the window and illuminates our feet. He takes a blanket on the table and covers our naked body with it. Kiss him many times.
“Its okey you don’t call me everyday, but just do something like this everyday”.
He smiles naughty, “Wanna more?”
I put my self on top of him and sit down. “Now I control you”.
Afternoon smiles to us, a couple with full of motion, a couple that enjoys love in our way. Wind blows small green trees in the garden, make them dancing accompany our load moan that maybe heard till outside.

(-IeRn-)

Searching Life Means

Take a short of vacation alone, I’m trying to hide this messed feeling that miscellaneous in my heart. Sit in the flight that not too full, I take 7 hours flight to the north outside my city, outside my country.

“Wanna drink something miss?” A flight’s attendant wakes me up from my long quiet ness.

“Hot tea please” she gives me a cup of hot tea that I wish will give my body and my heart warm.

Looks around and I just found everybody sleeping…reading… then my sight catches someone that sit down in other side from me just watching the window, look far away to the empty sky that now on the red color. I still watch him when he turns his face to me, his silent ness feel annoyed by someone. Quickly I throw my sight to another way and feel sorry because annoyed him already.

This is direct flight; 7 hours feel so short with this thinking, imagination and illusion. I see the seat belt sign is on then a voice of flight’s attendant fills this plane. She used local language where this plane come from, funny thing that I don’t understand, then continue it with English to announce us that plane will be landed shortly. I go to bathroom hurry to pee, landing sometimes make me nervous and when nervous come only feeling want to pee that shown up. Refresh my face with this nice water, I feel better.

In the immigration, for foreigner side still have several lines up. Another side I can see some people with slit eyes walk on hurry out from the local immigration. Now I can understand why this country little bit forwards then the others, I can see their people do everything quickly and fastly.

“Hey… I think we had same flight” a man in beside line talk to me. I can see him, somebody that I annoyed in the flight smiling at me.

“Ophhh yah…” I force my self to laugh.

“Ohh you are alone, I thought someone that sit beside you was with you”.

“Nope he is not, I’m alone… travel alone, I wish the weather in this month is not so bad so I don’t need someone accompany me” I make him laugh.

“Yah… December sometimes so bad for everything” I can hear deep thing on his sentence. Something hurting…My line moves faster then him, and several mans in front of him make distance for both of us. I give him smile mean “I go first” when I get the immigration stamp and they release me to enter their city. He replies my smile and indicates his finger to the luggage station that means he wants me to wait him there.

Waiting the luggage… “So you coming here for work or vacation?” he starts the short conversation.

“Coming for hiding” laugh…

“Ohh something made you scare in your country” still with laughing.

“How about you? Business or something?” I give him the same question.

“Nope, coming here for hiding also” and he give me the same answer.

My red bag comes on the line. “My bag coming” then I said goodbye to him.

“My name is Mark” he stretches his hand.

“I’m Lana” I reply him. “Nice to meet you Mark”.

I walk away but after 2 steps “if you interested, what you think if 2 hiding people meet together to give reason from their hiding meaning”.

I turn back to him “I don’t know... maybe”.

“So 2 p.m tomorrow a coffee shop in the Omotesando Hills Mall, I’ll wait for you there” he waves his hand to say bye. I wave my hand also then walk away to exit door to feel this cold weather in the damn December.

This hotel is in the middle class, if I compare it with hotels in my country of course people will say that this hotel is a messed. But in this country, I can’t pay more; everything in here is ghost expensive. But good thing is their heater working so well so I can find warm inside after almost freezing in outside.

1 a.m in the night I don’t feel tired. Middle naked only covered with this tank top; I sit near this glass window watching snow that doesn’t look white because softly dark night hides their color. So it is just like small rain.

This snow has covered dead trees near the street, this trees I don’t have any idea what is its name but when spring come, their leaf will appear again and back to life. Something that too difficult to be found in my country, yah it is because I don’t have winter there and I just have rain or sun or cloud that now we can’t even figure when the weather will change.

Cold starts creep to my body; I take the blanket then use it to cover. Still near the window, I cry alone…I don’t know because of what. Sad, disappointed, happy, amazing all combine stole everything in my weak heart.

Time moves, snow never stop giving cold in this entire city. Accompany dark that slowly move to dawn. Accompany a woman that enjoy this coldness with crying, wail to her pain feeling, hiding from her world.

It is almost mid noon when I find my self wake up with big headache. I turn on my mobile that I forgot since yesterday. 10 messages come, from mom twice, from brother, from office, from a friend and from him, someone that made me hide this pain feeling in this country. The message said “Where are you? Are you Ok?” I smile; he is very nice person that feels so sorry because hurt me.

Take shower, I wet down all my body to get out this headache and remember that have an appointment with that stranger man. I really want to cancel it and enjoy my day in the room but I don’t have his mobile number, stupid things that I forgot to ask.

Use this big coat I don’t feel comfort but still I walk against cold that I can’t ignore. My boot left the big mark on the snow that covered this street combine with the others. I go to station, take the subway to bring me to the meeting place.

Stop in Harajuku station I watch my watch, 2.15 pm that means I’m late. Walking about 10 minutes and I arrive in Omotesando Hills Mall. Confuse, because don’t have any idea which coffee shop that he meant, again stupid thing that I forgot to ask. So I check every coffee shop in this mall. And there he is, sit in outside of shop... watching the crowed. He waves his hand when his eyes catch me.

“I’m sorry I’m late” I take chair in front of him.

“I know you’ll come but I’m just afraid you can’t find me because I was stupid didn’t give you the number and the coffee shop’s name” I know he mean it.

“No probs”.

Conversation continues to the weather then the place then my city then about his divorce. He married 3 years ago with a woman from my city, everything looked find. But since last year everything felt wrong and last 3 months getting worst. He is a writer, journey writer; so his job always move from 1 place to another place to get experience and write it for his column in a big international newspaper. And his wife couldn’t accept that, she was too jealous when every time he went to another place. she couldn't trust him and those kinds of thinking made her lost mind.

So fight couldn’t be avoided. He tried many times to explain to her that he’ll never do anything was like her thinking but sometimes too hard to change somebody opinion although she/he knew us very well already.

Until one time, he knew that his wife involved in affair with their neighbor. And he couldn’t accept that, although he knew that maybe that was part of his mistake also.

He said “I’m too selfish maybe, because I can’t give her the best but I want she do everything the best for me. But I do love her, and maybe till now” he throw his sight to the snow in outside that never stop since last night. I say really sorry about what happened. He just smile hide his pain heart that maybe he even don’t know when it will go.

“How about you? what thing that you try to hide or throw for?”. I take depth breath and realize that mine is just simple and can’t be compared with his pain. Suddenly I feel so shy to my self, to him... that i'm just make simple problem becoming harder.

“Hmmm… I’m actually not that bad…” he wait for me to continue so I tell him.

“I met this man several months ago, we dated several time. He was so nice, at least I could see from his acted. I felt to him and I knew it. And I thought he felt the same way…because I could see in his eyes when he kissed my hand or blew my hair. I told him that I love him but I just shocked when he said sorry and told me that he was falling in love with somebody else. Yeah I know I have to high opinion about him, how come I had thinking that he liked me. I felt pain; you know… he was the one that can open my heart again to feel love after my last boyfriend left me for another woman. Not 100% him that make me feel down, but the feeling that I'm always not lucky with love and feeling scare how if until someday I can’t find someone that truly love me. I'm 34 years old now and could you imagine in the next six years i'll end up 40 and alone”.

He holds my hand, just want to share calm ness. “You’ll find him; he’s out there, just waiting until time bring you come to him”. I said thanks for his support.

He offer me to join to his trip to the south outside the city, and promise me that I’ll never say sorry if I join him because I’ll see the most beautiful mountain in this country. So I say yes, since I know I don’t have any plan to come to this country.

After breakfast we go together, we take this train. People called it bullet train.

"I wish day will clear today so you can see this mountain”.

“My camera is ready” I reply to him with showing my pocket camera.

This train moves very fast, I even can’t figure how to explain it. From right side of this train’s window, I can see it, Blue Fuji Mountain covered by snow. It is just perfect. Sun slowly light it and blue sky covered it. I can’t speak anything, just watching this amazing view.

“Perfect ha?” his question back me to the earth.

He asks me to stop in this station called Shin-Fuji station so I can make pictures of this mountain.

Here I’m… realizing that we are too small and happiness not always can be found only from a lover. But find someone that loves and cares about us truly as friend, as a lover, as anything and sharing with us about our sadness and happiness can make us happy. In front of this Fuji mountain, I feel really sorry to all people that love me and I left them just only to feel worry.Lover come and go, feeling happy change to be hurt and pain suddenly and that is life. No need for us to worry, no need hiding just want to test are those people still caring about us or not. So I take this camera out and put big smile on my mouth while he, a man that I just found as my good friend takes my picture that I’ll use to prove to every body that I'm fine. That this broken heart and affraid feeling are just simple thing that will pass by the time.

(-IeRn)

Something about Dick (+i) behind My Broken Heart Story (Mixed Grammar)

After nine hours flight until made this ass hot, late of night I arrived in this city. Black covered women shown in everywhere and some tourist walking on hurry. I searched exit gate and found it with the local’s word. I was busy with my mobile, sending news to someone that should ready out there to pick me up.
Outside the airport, uhhh it’s damn hot while its late of night. I saw my watch, it was still my country time so I added it with 4 and I found 3 a.m. So now 3 a.m in the morning and I felt was like inside the oven want to be burned. I was looking for someone, searching a face in this crowded place.
“Welcome to my country sweetie” someone shown up from the behind, he hold me. A kiss landed in this lip. “Ohh... its damn hot” I opened the sweater that I used to covered me from cold in the flight. He laughed... “You know August, and wait until you find sun tomorrow” He took my luggage and leaded me to his car.
It was white, and mostly all cars in that park were white. “Why everything with white?” I asked him, didn’t understand. “Because white can reduce the hot” he turned on the car and we left the airport to enter the city.
That city was amazing; when we entered... there were lots sky-scrapers that were like a gate to enter this modern city. And I could see lots advertisement pictures that were put in those building’s wall. Interesting.
I always said “wow… your city is amazing”. I looked to the right; I looked to the left to enjoy that nice building that had nice architecture. All looked new and modern.
“We’ll have morning breakfast first” he turned to the left; I could see sky in the east already red. “4.30 a.m and sun already appear?” I never found that before. He parked his car in the corner street that still little bit quiet. “Yah now is summer and sun really like this city so it always appears every time” we laughed together.
We ordered coffee and local bread that too difficult for me to remember its name. Enjoyed our small breakfast inside the car because in outside too hot to sit. We waited sun appear perfectly in this hot city.
“I love you” he blew my hair slowly that I always enjoyed. I give him smile “I love you too, thanks to invite me here”. And we backed to the sky.

Spent night and day together, he gave me perfect tour. We went to some city, it was wonderful. Drove car in the quiet high way, 120 km/hours car's speed and accompany by nice song that we choose together to play along, that was perfect day.
The other night, we had dinner in that romantic traditional ship. That ship carried us through the river along the city and showed us the traditional side of the city and also the modern side as combine. Some tourist really enjoyed was just like me. Also I could see the traditional people that always use the traditional dress, some women and some man were discussing interesting thing that I didn’t understand. That ship swift slowly split that water and made nice sound accompany those plate and spoon sound.
Someone came to us, a foreigner man. “Miss, may I have picture with you, of course if your boy friend let me only for 1 minute” I little bit surprised and looked to my man, he smiled meant his agreement.
I backed to that man “I’m sorry, I’m afraid you are wrong, I’m not this country traditional woman if you mean it. Maybe we have same black hair but we don’t have same nose. You can see mine is horrible. And you can see I don’t cover my self with those black thing” I laughed, so do that man. “I know you are not originally from here, but you just so beautiful and maybe I can tell my other friends that I met beautiful woman in this straight country” he was so cool and of course so brave because I was sit down beside a man that he called as my boyfriend.
So I said okay, and he had our picture. He said thanks to me and my boyfriend, asked me about my country and would I stay here long. So I told him about my country and the day I should back to there.

It was my last night in that city. He, a man that I called my boyfriend carried me to the local restaurant down town with one of the nicest building inside the city view, we had dinner. We sat down in outside enjoyed the beach and that nice building in the middle of beach that was just like a ship. I was sweating because it’s around 40 degrees. He held my hand. I saw perfect moon up there, left its shadow in the beach and made beach plankton blinking, so it was just like black sky with a lots star in the earth. Perfect night, perfect man, perfect love…
“What will happen to our future? Where are we?” He gave the most difficult question without saw my face. I was just silent because I also didn’t have the answer. “I feel old now, I want marry, 3 years we are together and truly I really want you to be my wife… but you know the condition” we discussed about this many times, we knew we have those kind of problems but we just ignored it because we loved each other. “Yah I know” I answered him with those short answered because I don’t have any other word.
I knew... me and him have big differences. He came from very straight family that will never accept this opened woman to be one of them. I felt pain when remember it. Why people never understand, why differences must be a problem while all of we knew that human born to this earth with all differences one and the other. I felt pain why this man, that I truly loved, didn’t have any brave to fight for winning me. So I didn’t have the answer.
“My mom introduced me to this woman; of course I couldn’t see her face or talked with her. But everybody in my family said she is nice person” I silent, he continued. “I don’t know what should I do, I love you but family….” He stopped his sentences. Long times on silent, I asked him. “Why you can’t leave them for me. You go from your country and I go from my country, we’ll find a place where we can stay together, enjoy our life together and happy” I couldn’t handle this tears anymore. It’s dropped because of pain, because of disappointed.
Now he looked at me “I wish I can, but when every time I saw my mom… I saw her old face, I feel I never did anything yet to make her happy... and I can’t make her sad”. I understood it, in the simple way he just wanted to say “I can’t choose you, and we are over because I choose a woman that my family search for me”.
So I wiped off tears on my cheek, saw his face and still I held his hand. “I truly understand about your decision. I love you, I don’t know until when but now I do love you. And if you think that that decision will make you happy, will make everybody happy, I’ll accept that. We spent so wonderful time together along this 3 years and its enough to show you how much I care about you. I wish you happy as always” he held my body, was like never want to let it go. I felt his tears drop in my shoulder, it was the first time and maybe the last time I saw him cry in front of me.

I left that city, happy because I had wonderful time, sad because I must say goodbye to my lover maybe forever, but I kept that smile. I talked to my self that is life. When we happy meeting someone then we must prepare to ready losing him. Entered the immigration gate, that big woman checked my passport, saw my picture then backed to my face many times, tried to search what was the same thing. “When you took this picture?” she asked me. “Ohh its last 3 years, maybe now I’m little bit different” I gave her smile and she let me go. Yah times changed somebody, not only physically but mentally. 3 years ago maybe I would never could to accept all of this, took my self down to accept his decision. But now I accepted that with big heart.

Waiting the boarding time, I spent my time not with shopping, things that I usually did in a boring time but I spent it with sitting down in the corner, to keep eye on every people that passed through in front of me from this big sunglasses.
Busy with thinking, I almost couldn’t realize that somebody sat down beside me. “Good afternoon beautiful” I was shocked. I looked to him, a man that asked me the picture several days ago looked at me from his black sunglasses. I couldn’t ignore that this man really handsome and cool. I couldn’t say anything. My mind said… “Say something… say something…” but my mouth just closed and I looked at him still was like a crazy woman. “Waiting boarding?” he gave me smile. “Yeah” and only that word, the simplest one from all words in the world that I could say.
“Where are you going?“ finally I backed to the earth after my shocking time gone. “To your country, I knew that you’ll have boring time on the flight alone. And I’ll never let a beautiful lady feel it. So I just want to accompany you and wish you have a good time during your flight” I couldn’t to arrest my laugh. “Seriously...” I said to him. “I’m serious, see my boarding pass” he showed it to me and I could read my city name on it so I just looked at him with big confused. So he continued “it’s true that I want to accompany you during your flight and also true that I have work in your city”.
There… it was started, I found someone to talk with after I lost someone that I spent my last 10 days with.

On the flight, he sat in business class and I was in economy class. So we separated. 20 minutes after take off and seat belt signed off, he came to me. “Excuse me sir…” he talked to that old man beside me, “yes” that old man answered. “Do you mind if we change the sit? I have a sit in business class but I can’t enjoy it. If you don’t mind we can change and I’ll just sit here” that old man looked at him searching a joke “are you sure?” he asked 2 times. “Yes” and he replied 2 times. So that was the story that he finally sat right beside me on my flight just want to prove his promised to me that he will never let me feel boring in this 9 hours flight.
I laughed, he asked me about my boyfriend. I told him that he broke me in one night before my flight but I couldn’t feel too much sad anymore now and my love story that should be a sad story than suddenly change to be a joke story. He laughed when heard my story that I told and he made me laugh for that.
5 hours flight and I feel so sleepy, late of night or morning or noon I didn’t have any idea because all windows was closed and all people sleeping, I found my self and my head in his shoulder. Slowly I moved it. “Wake up already?” he shocked me as always. I shied… “Yeah, I’m sorry and thanks for the shoulder that giving me a good sleep”. “You are most welcome”. I went to toilet and saw my horrible face after slept. I fixed it and put some make up there, didn’t know was that to attract him or what.

Landed in this city, he asked to offer me drive to my place. I said no. He gave me his card and I just knew his name. I couldn’t handle my laugh when I read it, ……… Diick. His name is something with dick but with double i. He laughed also “I know its funny, and I’m happy that I know I will make you laugh always only with remember my name”. Still with tried to hide my laugh I said sorry and told him that it is the most wonderful name ever. I gave him my card before entered to the taxi. He gave me cheek kiss to say bye and promise that he will call.
On the way to the city, my own city… 1 message received in my mobile. “Do you miss Dick with double i already?” I laughed then reply “Nope, I think I miss Dick without double i :-)”. 1 message came again “Ohhh lucky you, I have both” he was naughty.

That was him, mysterious man that came to my life on sudden after I lost someone. Yeah we are… people… really don’t know what will happen in our future and we can’t plan it. Sometimes we want something happen is like what we imagine but then the real happen in the other way. On free time, I have coffee accompany me and I continue my writing is just like now. I’m finishing my last blank page and write my last sentence on that story. “For my marriage day that will be presented tommorrow in that nice traditional ship right a year ago when I met you. My lovely husband soon Mr. Dick (+i)”.

(-IeRn-)

Sheila (Mixed Grammar)

My name is Sheila, everybody call me Shey just close to “shy” word that reflect me. Everybody said I’m still so young although now already 25. Don’t know, maybe it is because of my body that always small is like never grown up; my breast and any other part of my body are small. So for everything that I bought always use smallest size that they sale. I have medium height, 155 cm, I think its enough. Long hair and dark brown skin are part of mine. Along my age till now I always try to make this skin whiter but never got good result so far. Sun is my enemy because it make my skin darker but rain also my enemy because make my shoes dirty. God... I’m a complex woman.

My name is Sheila. I’m an erotic story writer, although everybody said my writing is not dirty, because it is erotic feeling and you can find love in those stories. But still they called me an erotic writer. You can find my first book in some small book store. They published it but it was just not bombing, so far they told me only 100 exemplars sold. It is ok; need time to learn how to be better. And I’m already happy.

Sheila… it is me. I’m 25, an erotic story writer and virgin. They…those people look at me cynic, they think I’m a bad woman because wrote those stories. But again, those stories are not dirty; those are a feeling that combined with erotic things. And see me… I wrote about those and I’m still virgin, believe me no need to try if you want to write something, sometimes imagination and inspiration is enough to figure what do you want type on your blank page.

Newspaper, 25th July 2000, new title: A dead woman body found in a hotel room. Her name is Sheila and she is me. I lied on that bed, naked and dead. He raped me then killed me. Sadism…
This man 35 years old, I knew him several months ago. He was so attractive and I attracted to him. We dated several times, I felt to him, to his beautiful eyes, to his inspiring smile that give me warm. He asked me to a hotel for dinner. I came but then he brought me to this room. Elegant…
He locked the room, and held my small body. I looked at him, God... I loved him. He opened my t-shirt and saw me naked. “Shey… come here…please do something is like that you wrote in your story, I read it all… God, you are so wild”. I shocked, his breath faster. “I don’t do this, I’m virgin, and I told you about that” I stopped him. “Oh Shit, come on…don’t act are like you still white”. He touched me. “Please, I’ll do anything for you because I love you but not this way” my tears dropped but his breath still faster, he grabbed me, he raped me… he hit me several times to make him more pleasant on final. I felt my blood dropped from my pain mouth. He hit me once again and I could hear his long moan from far a way.

I’m Sheila, 25, an erotic stories writer, not virgin anymore because of raped. I was dead. He left me when I was dying and naked dead in that cold elegant room.

I’m sheila, now finally I find my skin is not dark brown anymore because I was dead. I walk in this crawded street, scream to everybody to help me with this naked body but they are just like not hear me. One car come in to me, I scream but it is just pass away. My body is like shadow that can’t be touched.
Far a way walk, I see him… inside his car, park in the corner street. I can see tears in his face, he is crying after he left me dying. I close to him, sit down beside him inside the car. “Don’t sad because I’m dead” I still love him. He feel something, he look at me. I don’t know he see me or just see an empty air. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean it… please Shey forgive me” he crying still he look at me, but his eyes can’t reach mine. “Don’t sad because I’m dad” I close my face on him, now he feel me. “Go away Shey” panic…he drive his car… I see him from far when I move my hand and I make this wind throw his car to that ravine. “Don’t be sad because I’m dead… I just want you to accompany me and give me warm with your body”.

(-IeRn-)

Hurt (Mixed Grammar)

Seem was like yesterday when I saw your face. Spent our first night in the perfect place. No need words because body act was enough.
You reached me in your arm, your hand grabbed under my t-shirt touching this naked breast. I closed my eyes, feeling you.
We undressed, now you saw there… two small breasts with two long scratches. With your finger you groped one of them and looked at me with your smile. “I’m not perfect woman that have perfect body” I said. Then with your lips, you kissed the other one. “Your body is perfect for me”.
I held your head with my small hand, closed it to me…Touched my nose to yours, your lips touched mine, our tongue combined.
Lied on the bed, I looked to your eyes and you looked at me back. Blew your hair and you blew my back. “I love you” you said. “I love you more” again your lips touched mine. Felt this feeling and wish it will never end.

Naked in the Small room with the dark … lying down in this small bed, tears drop remembering you. I Close my eyes, touch my breast with my own hand…try to feel you. Grop my finger to this scratch… again try to feel you. Go to down, my hand find part of my body that you always adore. Now I feel you.

Naked in the small room still with the dark. Remember 2 weeks ago. “I never believe you betray me, you bitch” your high tone was just like trombone with no symphony. “Sweetie it’s nothing, I love you... he’s over… it was my mistake and I promise it will never happen again. Please…” there... when a weak woman admitted her mistake. “We are over” and it was just like that, you left me. 100 times called, 100 times sorry message never been replied.

Now I feel sorry, I wanna do anything to hear your voice again. I wanna do anything to see your eyes again. Sometimes I woke up and wish you beside me. No need to forgive me just give me the last chance to see your smile and I’ll release you just only to see you happy.

("Inspired by Hurt from blonde Singer that always nice to be heard", -IeRn-)

Too high opinion (Mixed Grammar)

Saturday night, waiting a call that maybe will never exist, I’m sitting down alone only cover with this towel, thinking of you that just appear since last week... Thinking of you that start disappears since a day after last week... I’m alone busy with this feeling, doubt. Shit why this feeling must come because of those stupid things, things that you made maybe because of drunk. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t fuck but again I have feeling.

Time moving, seconds... minutes... hours... my mobile still silent, no ringing. Thinking still keeps this time. Imagining you but I can’t figure your face, trying to understand you but can’t reach, allots question appear but answer is just illusion. Before last week everything was fine, I know you just as ordinary person... and now… I can’t take my mind of you. Shit.

Midnight, 4 hours on silent and dark still covered. Play around with those broken heart songs, I feel pain. Play with those happy songs and I still feel pain. This darkness is so tight, no love, no glories but just me…enjoy this darkness with my own, thinking of you with my own.
Tik...tik... seconds run, it is just like laughing at me, a stupid woman that has too high opinion about feeling. So I close this hole, try to fix it. Maybe empty hole will be better than a pain one.

Lying down my body that still covered by towel, my mobile ring once. Its too late, moment already pass. So I stay on silent still, continue mind to search a conclution.

Late of morning, open my hard eyes. Without take a bath I open the door, try to get a fresh air. There are some roses there, with blue sky card.
“My day is full with you
My night dreaming about you
You fill it, a hole on me
Now It is no more empty ”

I look to the card again, hmm nice. Then what? Disappear again? I don’t have enough time to think about stupid feeling or stupid question that maybe only have middle answer. So I throw this card to the garbage, put this nice roses on my table. Yah I have too high opinion about you so let me throw this feeling on you is just like I throw your blue sky card as a messed.

(IeRn)

Shower

Nodes of water sprayed
To wet this long hair
There are some nodes there
In my small body
Place where I inject me
To enter ecstasy

Rub it…
Its still there
Polish it…
Again its still there

I wanna stop it
Maybe this water can take it away
To give refresh
Or this knife can cut it
To bring back my story
And leave this life
That full with sorry

(-IeRn-)

Striptease Dancer (Mixed Grammar)

I do striptease, not for hobby but for money. Two small kids need to be taken care. Everybody looks at me like shit, but who cares because they can’t give me cash to eat.

Proposed to a company just made my money empty for stamps or papers. So I went to this club to search something that maybe I even can’t call it a job.I’m shy… I’m rude… but I still don’t want end up my life. Again because this two small kids need to be taken care.

They don’t know what exactly their mommy doing for money, but some of their friends said their mommy is a bitch.

“Mom, what is a bitch means?” 7 years old boy asked me. I looked at him, he is the one that can make me live till know, gives me a strong power to defeat what other people jerk talking about me. I gave him smile “That is rude word that you should not use anymore”. And he never ask again about that word.

12 a.m, in the job… Those mans waiting for me, they are just allowed to see. And here I’m show them my private body, again for money. 2 hours dance, 2 hours see those drunken people, 2 hours smell those cigarette smoke, still i have to show my naughty smile in my mouth.

2 a.m, walking home… I feel this shit now so heavy, 2 years after they found my husband dead body and I don’t have anything to support me. Sky night looks so clear, moon that sometimes cover by cloud, blinking stars are just like disco light but with symphony and this green trees now looks grey because of small light. I walk home alone. No one knows how heavy this load, no one knows how sick this heart, no one knows and no one knows. Because they just know I’m a striptease dancer, I’m a woman that shows my naked body to get money.

(-IeRn-)

Doubt in a Perfect Man’s Life

I’m a man, 37 years old, will be 38 soon and single. Everybody said I’m lucky person, handsome and successful. Another mans jealous on me because I have lots of women around. Women adore me because of my money.

Visit this city I felt busy. There were 6 interesting women that I found in internet need to be clarified. So I decided, dinner.. lunch.. coffee.. dinner.. lunch.. coffee then home, backed to my shit work overseas that has given me all of this.

Another week, I backed again to this city. Choosed 1 from 6 interesting women that I met to accompany. I knew she felt in love with me already, no need to ask how good I’m to play with women feeling. But me… just taste… no commitment would be more tasty.

Brought her on the flight 1,5 hours to the east outside this city. We were happy. Beach along the day, good restaurant for dinner, wild bar and nightclub in the midnight, drunk together then some actions that made all the day activities felt complete. This woman was amazing but still I didn’t have feeling.

Spent afternoon in the coffee shop that had beach view alone cause amazing woman busy with saloon, another man came to me.

“Hi man, how you doing” beer in his hand.

“Great here” I looked at him for a moment.

“Great place ha, I always go here at least every year in my vacation” he looked to the beach with his blue eyes.

I gave him smile, he took a chair and sat down beside me enjoy perfect afternoon in the perfect place.

“So every year going here, wow must be so enjoy the place” I openned man conversation.

“Yah what can I say, I love this place and felt in love to a woman from here since last 2 years. How about you man, women around?”.

I looked to the beach, tried to remember when the last time love came to my heart.

“yah, just women…”. He knew the meaning and we laughed together.

Backed again to this city, put amazing woman to her home…I enjoyed silent night in the perfect balcony. Thinking about love, shit thing that I never thought since forever. I loved my ex-wife but still she divorced me. So “what is love?” Or another complex question “is it can make me happy?”. Long time on thinking and still I found nothing. I remembered the man on the island, talking about his lover with full of motion. Am I still called lucky if I don’t have any love in my heart? “Its beautiful feeling man, some times it can make you cry because of it and you'll never realize that it feels good” the island man said bullshit. But yah… cry sometimes makes heart touchfull and I didn’t remember when was the last time.

Next day with 5 hours flight, I left this city, went to a place that I could call home although never spent time along. There was doubt there…in my heart. Searched the meaning of my life that now looked more complicated. I feltl tired, traveling… new drink… new women… is it end journey of my life? Is it time for me to wake up, go with normal life likes the other? Is it too late for me to have it, a lovely wife that love me truly and I love her too, kids that play around in our field, small house with lake or beach view, green garden where we can barbeque together? Is it too late for me to have thing that i can called a happy small family?

(Wake up Man, realize that time ticking so fast, -IeRn-)

When Love and Hate Look so Close (Mixed Grammar)

This night is full with shit. Toilet… found a lot throw up woman inside. Bar… everybody drunk and dancing without art. I feel my head so heavy, 3 glasses drink that were choosed by these stranger man now give the impact. My feet are no power and my body just feels hot. This loud Music suddenly is like so far away now.

Wake up, my eyes feel so hard to be opened. My head still heavy… Stranger man lies on bed beside me. I open my bed cover and now find my naked body. Panic… “Somebody help I’ve been raped” my heart scream.

Running in the middle of rain late of night, I feel don’t care. This wet body reaching street, find anything to bring it to the place that can called home.

Another night, same night club… same crowded. My eyes catch a shadow that haunted me along few days. Stranger man sits down there…enjoy his drink with his perfect face. Approach to him I say hi. “I woke up last day and you already gone” his inspiring smile shown up. “That because you do me without permission” still with no high tone. “Oh babe…..” loud music defeats his word. I don’t ask what.

My body and his moving… this dance floor is like our own. We closed, his hand grabs me, I enjoy. We are animal, there…in the middle of drunken people, his lips touch mine.

This lift feels so slow to take us to the 32nd floor. “Last day was your mistake, you should pay this now” i look tight in to his eyes. “Damn... why this lift walk so slow” his eyes look me back.

In the corner side of 32nd floor, naked horny man tied tight in the bed. I fix my dress. “What you doing, why u wearing your dress...”. I walk to him “I’m disgust with you. Now enjoy your naked cold room..” I set the A/C on 18 degrees. “What are you doing?” stranger man starting panic. “Don’t worry babe, your maid will find your naked body tomorrow. This is lesson number 1 to be a gentleman”. I give him my last big smile and leave 32nd floor with big won.

Another night, same night club… same crowded. Stranger man walks in to me, a rose in his hand. “I love you”. I receive the rose and close it to my nose “mmm… smell like shit”. He laughs. “I hate you”. He still laughs. There… we are human, in the middle of drunken people we talking each other, try to defeat this loud music search meaning of each other.

Another night, same night club… same crowded. I and stranger man come together, our hand holding each other. Now, love and hate looks so close.

(-IeRn-)

Betrayal is a part of Love (Mixed Grammar)

“He loves me” she tells us her love stories like as always. I force smile in my lips. “Have you ever kissing with a blonde man? Well its so wow...”. I’m still silent, the other 3 women do the same thing. “Congratulation yah, finally you find your soul mate” once of us breaking the ice. She is there with big smile, show to us how proud she is.

Middle night, I close my eyes...imagine the blonde man. Compare, is his kissed with her better than what he had with me. He never said he loves me, just always said he wants me. And it’s enough cause feel him is my priority…

“Hey, we’ll go to New Zealand for vacation this week” she opens the lunch conversation. “God... I’m so exciting. I know this man so in love with me”. Me and the other 3 women reply with smile just like usually.

Middle night, lying down on bed… remember what this blonde man said. “Please meet up tomorrow, will going to NZ for a week. I’ll miss you. Usual place, time will inform you soon”. I close my eyes, his face showing. Damn, this is not love.

Thursday night… usual place… I have meeting. Blonde man shows up after 15 minutes waiting with boring. No smile in my lips, I look at him. Never protest why he late as always. “Give me your smile baby, it will help”. I still there, look at him… don’t understand. He reaches me, hold me tight. “I so want you and I know you want me too, so stop thinking and lets start”. He kisses me wild and I kiss him back. He undresses me… I grab his ass.

Naked… usual place… Blonde man is sleeping. I open my eyes. “You can stay, she’ll not come today for preparing trip tomorrow afternoon” remember what he said. Get up from the bed, I go to bath room. Warm water touch my body, I feel free.

2 a.m, out from usual place… find fresh air in outside… Taxi send me to where I belong accompanied by love song that play along.

Late middle night… this eyes still can’t be closed. Shit, why his face imagined always... This is not love…… “I do love her babe, but betrayal is part of love. That makes this love to her be more colorful” his saying heard in my ear. God please… please… don’t punish me with feeling love to this shit man.

(-IeRn-)